"WTF Moments in Psychotherapy" by Jere F. Parker, M.A., L.C.A.C. L.C.S.W., C.Ht.
My 30 Years of Practice Confronting The Gods of Absurdity, Fables, Fibs, Whoppers & Bullsh-t
"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt." ~ Erma Bombeck
This book will take you on a wild uncharted voyage where you'll experience some of the most baffling, puzzling, befuddling and just plain quirky client cases and encounters I've had in my 30 years as a psychotherapist. You'll meet The Lip Balm Man (aka Pinocchio), The Lady Medusa, The Herbal Medicine Man, The Kerosene Kid, Sluggo & Sweetums and many, many more unique and interesting characters.
After creating several self-help books, CD's and MP3's, many of my colleagues and friends suggested that I write some of the most farcical experiences I've had which were generated from my profession.
Thus, "WTF Moments in Psychotherapy" was born. As with many professions' humor, at times, must be adapted to ease the heartache and stress from a myriad of situations.
An associate once jokingly suggested that we establish a practice together, naming it, "Nuts are Us". This moniker could serve to describe both ourselves as therapists, and some of our more unusual clients. Weeks, months, and years of exposure to clients issues could, if left unsettled, tear one's heart out.
Comedy from Tragedy, at times, makes heart breaking experiences much more palatable.
"Just because you've got the monkey off your back, doesn't mean the circus has left town." ~ George Carlin
Sluggo & Sweetums: I was considering referring them to someone who had a unique therapeutic skill set, someone more attuned to their immediate needs, someone similar to, 'Vlad the Impaler' or 'Attila the Hun'.
The Whizzanator: (A plastic phallus that is meant to hold liquid used to beat urine drug screens). If you wear a 'whizzanator' and the testing observer notices an extra appendage*, you may have to convince them it's your nephew who just came along for the ride.
*The majority of the male populace are only endowed with one, I repeat, one, penis.
Whiskey Neat, Please: Imbibing alcohol with the aid of an enema bag does have benefits I suppose. For instance, both hands would be unencumbered by carrying a drink glass around at a Palm Beach social gathering, allowing one to grab twice as many Swedish meatballs, shrimp, caviar and chip dip.
The Appliance Man: Oh Yea, he came back and handed me a wash board and a clothes line, stating here's your damn washer and dryer. This was after I had given him several hundred dollars for appliances, the son-of-a-bitch.
Abridged Bullsh-t: My neighbors party all the time. The coke must have drifted across, through their window opening, come in through my window and got attached to those-what do you call them, "recepitors" in my nose and then I test positive for "cane" and almost lose my job.
The Herbal Medicine Man: I can't believe I tested positive for marijuana. The only thing I can think of is my wife is in excruciating pain and is on prescribed marijuana. She is so weak I have to draw the smoke into my mouth and blow it into her mouth forcefully enough to go into her lungs and give her some relief from her discomfort. Some smoke must accidentally go down into my lungs. All I doing is trying to help my wife.
More Abridged Bullsh-t: Some clients have been told their urine drug screen specimen was not acceptable because it had an oily film floating on top. They normally say that's to be expected because they eat a lot of olive oil or they are from Italian decent. What is really happening is that individuals are bringing urine to the testing site which is contained in a lubricated condom. When dispensed it leaves an oily film on top of the specimen cup.
In addition to the above, the testing labs will occasionally get urine that is labeled "not consistent with human urine." In these instances, I've always been curious as to how one collects the urine from a ferret or possibly a chicken. Are there policy and procedure manuals available for collectors setting forth guidelines? --- Make sure to gently caress your ferret as you speak softly but firmly letting them know you sympathize that they have a shy bladder but you need their urine so you can continue to get ripped, live in Never, Never Land and still keep your job.
with Jere Parker
Listen to this audio clip: